I have a confession to make. I've been smoking. It all started last Easter 2012 (no, not on Ash Wednesday but six weeks later)! Some major life event threw me into chaos and I was hurt and angry and frustrated and by golly, I wanted to just rebel. So, being a former cardiac nurse and epidemiologist, I chose the most rebellious thing I could think of. Cigarettes! So tacky. So smelly. But the deliciousness of doing something that was very counter-cultural for me- was my rebellion. My T-A-W-A-N-D-A, so to speak. I loved it! I had picked up smoking from time to time in my life. You know, the high school scene (we actually had a cute smoking courtyard at my high school- back in the day!). I smoked with girlfriends then at spend the night parties. I never liked menthol, though I think that was my first cigarette- Kool to be cool! I did it here and there- while in college, or in of all places, nursing school. Something about studying and smoking went well together- oh, maybe it was the caffeine and nicotine fix to keep the night light burning for studying late. I could pick it up and then put it down in a flash. That always stunned my hard core smoking friends- how I could take it or leave it. Now most buildings and even some whole cities are smoke free.
My father was a cardiologist. A heart doctor. God rest his soul. He'd just shake his head and grin at me if he saw me this past Easter (and New Years!). Actually, under my circumstances, he might even have lit me up to tell you the truth. Sometimes life sucks and you have to just suck on a stick and blow smoke rings and say "and another thing . . . . !!" Picture me smoking with my 82 (going on 55) Italian mother on the back porch. We can muster a string of "and another things!" As she supports me through my grief, disappointment and dismay.
I was told by some physician friends that research has shown that there really is some sort of uncanny calming effect of nicotine. Worked for me. I've been under tremendous stress, having to navigate daily life (as we all do) (work, grad school, multiple kids, kids with kids, kids with problems, husband stuff, deadlines, eye surgeries, aging)- the typical banana peels, right? I ask, why should I be any different than others who suffer through life's trials as I bury my grief and my anger down into another compartment. I stupidly feel unworthy of feeling sad, angry, tired (Catholic guilt). I say "I'm FINE" . . . . Suck it up! Suck it in. Whoosh- - - smoke rings!
Then I realized something. I could not tell if I didn't want to put them down or couldn't put them down. I suspect that part of it was my well-conceived "compartments" hiding my deepest feelings. I was becoming addicted to the action of smoking. At first it was like, "10 minute time out" but then four cigarettes later it became "one hour inertia". I became powerless over cigarettes and my life was becoming unmanageable because of them (costs, time, smell, bronchitis, shame, antisocial behavior)- tsk, tsk tsk!)- and so I worked my program and asked that God would remove them from me. A shedding was needed. (Prayers heard- I got bacterial bronchitis- that would NOT go away!!). WINK!
I've shed these cigarettes, this ash. I can't promise that I won't blow ash without the cigarette one of these days, in fact, maybe I should. At least I won't be blowing smoke rings anymore. And eventually, I will stop coughing so much.
Damn, those were good!
Thanks for sharing your story.
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